on guilt and shame

This past year, I realized just how deep my “mom guilt” ran. I remember driving with a friend late last winter, and confessing to her that I struggled with even buying myself the occasional cup of coffee. She, in the most “kind-but-with-conviction” way, told me that I had the worst mom guilt of any of her friends. And that I needed to be gentler with myself. I let that sit with me for a bit. Guilt is something that all of us struggle with, but I feel that moms as a demographic wrestle with this beast on a larger scale. For me, guilt and shame are often self inflicted, but I have no doubt that external forces play a large role in unearthing these feelings, too. Shortly after that conversation, I was fortunate enough to secure a spot at a wonderful in-home daycare for my middle child – just two days a month, but enough to give me a breather, and some time with my son. Before I made the decision to send her,  though, I  fought an internal battle with myself about whether or not to go through with it – after all, I’m a stay-at-home-mom, and what possible reason do I have for needing a break?? And PAYING for this break??  It’s not as if I’m working! *note the dripping sarcasm*

A year into sending her, I can say with certainty that it has been one of the best decisions I’ve made as a mother. It gives her time to socialize independently from me before she starts school next year, provides me with precious one-on-one time with our last child, and allows me to catch up around the house – reducing my overall anxiety and stress level.  I’ve spent some time reflecting on why I personally, as well as so many moms in my stage of life struggle with guilt, shame, and the attached feelings. On why we feel the burden of guilt weighing heavily on us when we don’t seem to be “enjoying every moment!” Society in general places a high emphasis on happiness – or, at least the appearance of happiness. Striving for a Pinterest-worthy life seems to be the goal of many moms lately. Comparison is easier than ever, due to various forms of social media. I’ve learned the hard way that perfection and constant happiness are unrealistic goals that will never be realized in my life.

This is the part in which I share an unpopular opinion. The more I speak with my Christian friends about this topic, the more I am convinced that the church can often feed into these cycles of guilt and shame. We read blogs, listen to Podcasts and sermons, and read books that tell us that if we dare to “complain”  to our friends about how hard our day with our kids has been, how strained our marriage is, how shaky our mental health is; that we are simply being ungrateful. That we aren’t trusting enough. That anything less than constant happiness, perpetually striving to find the silver lining, and cheery smiles always are the status quo within the church. That perhaps we need to pray more. Don’t we whiners know how #blessed we are? Because if I speak about the difficult day I’m having with my preschooler, it obviously means that I am not grateful for the opportunity to be her mother. Obviously. That I must not have any idea how many women would love to be in my shoes.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In my heart, I feel that this attitude that permeates the church is damaging. Its isolating, and spurs on guilt and shame in the lives of people who are already struggling. It has no place. I say these words with fear in my heart, but also God-given bravery. Because “bravery is moving scared” (Rebekah Lyons) I have prayed about how to say these words, and know beyond a doubt that there is someone out there who needs to hear them. The God who loves us does not want us trapped in cycles of guilt and shame. No matter how your own internal voice, or the influences around you try to induce these feelings, the very One who gave you breath longs to see you set free from these things. What a process this is. I know it all too well. You are loved and valued for exactly who you are. For exactly what you’re struggling with. Free of guilt. Free of shame. To live out of the love that Christ says has already been bestowed on us is a powerful, difficult, minute by minute process. But I’m convinced that there are few pursuits more truly worthwhile.