Four (oh, how she teaches me)

Tomorrow, my firstborn turns four. This seems unfathomable to me. After she was tucked into bed tonight, I snuck into her room stealthily with my camera, climbed up on her bunk and snuck a few pictures of her.  On this, her last night as a three year old, I lay my tired head next to hers. I brushed the hair out of her eyes, and moved my fingers over the contours of her sleeping face.  How have four years passed already? Over the last few days, I have been thinking about all of the ways my life has changed since I’ve become a mother. There are many times I hardly remember life before this title was thrust upon me. All my life, I have wanted to be a mom. But if I am honest, motherhood is not at all what I imagined. Four years ago, this girl came wildly into our lives, and she has taught me so many lessons in her short little life.

At thirteen days overdue (for the love!), she taught me patience when I felt like I was going to be pregnant for a thousand years. This is a lesson she feels the need to teach me on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. There are many days where I feel like I could do without this particular lesson. But alas, she’s a tyrant. This girl of mine has what you might call, a “feisty” (ahem) personality. My mother might be tempted to say that I am getting a taste of my own medicine. After two solid months of screaming, my colicky baby brought me to a place of dependence on God that I had never known in all my life. Like the patience thing, this is something that is a continual process. Weep, gnash, pray. Repeat.

She teaches me to see the beauty in simple things. She teaches me to slow the heck down (because, really, absolutely nothing is slower than a preschooler walking in the snow. It’s like walking blindfolded, backwards, through a vat of molasses). She shows me that I am beautiful, even when I so very rarely feel it myself – when she says, “mama, you look beautiful”, I believe her. She teaches me that love ALWAYS wins. She shows me that in their hearts, all people are truly good, and sometimes just need a hug. Her timid eyes when I get upset make me realize how powerful my words are – that I need to take more care with my words.

As a mom, I feel like “teaching” my children is one of my most important jobs. I think about all the things she should know before she starts school, and the lessons I must solidify in her mind…and yet, she shows me so many things without even realizing it.

My Sophie girl. My, time has flown. You are so kind, so brave, and so loving, that it makes my heart burst. And even on the days when I am feeling like a failure, when the sharp edges of life are threatening to take over…I look into your eyes, and know that God has given you to ME for this time, for a reason. He saw me fit to be your mama. Your wild heart fits right into mine. Right next to mine. I hope and pray that we walk this road of life together well. Even on the hard days. You made me a mama, and for that, I will always be grateful. Happy almost birthday, sweet girl.

Mama.