grace upon grace

In case you’ve ever wondered, life with three kids aged five and under is borderline insane. My days start early (do they ever actually end? Everything seems to run together) and are jam packed full of feeding, clothing, corralling, feeding, disciplining, teeth brushing, hair brushing, feeding, bus stops, toileting, programs, feeding, school work…did I mention feeding? Haven’t you heard? Stay at home moms have so much free time! Netflix and bon bons all day long! Not. In the past year, we’ve added a third baby, my husband began a new (much more demanding) job, and our oldest child started school. I know there are many families out there who have undergone a great deal more changes than that, but for us, it has felt like a lot to take in.  In the spirit of full disclosure, most days I feel like I’m drowning. Like I am failing miserably in every possible way.

At the end of every day, I mentally go over all the many ways I feel like I’ve screwed up. All the many times I should have called on Jesus for help and didn’t. I recount the unlovely bits of our marriage that my children were privy to that day. The “daddy’s been gone for 12 plus hours and if one more person touches me” tears that fall from their mama’s face. I regret the angry, raised voice, telling them for the hundredth time to please please please, put their pajamas on. It’s easy to let the sun go down feeling like I’m getting it all wrong.

Yesterday was a beautiful day where I live, and it also happened to be my husband’s thirtieth birthday. Our oldest daughter wanted to play outside; she had decided to set up a little “store” in our driveway, selling fruit. For those who know our daughter personally, they will tell you that it isn’t unusual for her creative side to take over everything she does. This girl has never really been one to watch TV or play with toys, but is instead, constantly creating, innovating, and pushing the envelope.  While I know deep in my heart that these are wonderful qualities in a child, there are days where if feels downright exhausting. So many days, I just want to throw on Paw Patrol and have five minutes to myself. But I am learning to embrace this part of her. After she added a few more “wares” to her store (some older toys found in the basement, including a naked Barbie – which nobody bought, in case you were wondering) she sold a banana to the neighbour girl, and four strawberries to an unsuspecting older gentleman. I sat outside with her for a bit of this time, but had to go back inside to start dinner.

Once she’d packed up her business, she came inside, and showed me a bag that she had filled with produce, and declared, completely unprompted:

“Because I love Jesus, I want to give this bag of food to someone who needs some support, for someone who is maybe having a hard time”

Her words stopped me in my tracks. These sentences flowing from my five-year old’s lips felt like a balm to my exhausted, doubtful-I-was-doing-anything-right soul. It took my husband and I a minute to respond, but we both told her that it was a great idea, and that we would think of someone to give it to. She proudly marched around the house looking for more items to add to the bag. She ended up filling it with a box of Kleenex (“in case the person receiving it was sad or lonely”), a package of oatmeal, some paper and crayons (“for letter writing”), fruit gummies, and the $2.25 she had made at her “store”. And as “inconvenient” as it was to pack up three kids at dinnertime, we drove to a friend’s house in a nearby town and delivered my daughter’s bag of “blessings” (and had a lovely visit!) I’ve never been more proud of any human being, ever.

I don’t share this story to brag, or to cast myself in a positive light. Not at all. I’m sharing to encourage even just one parent reading this – that you are doing SO MUCH BETTER than you think you are. That while your children will often see the bad, they also desperately cling to, and notice, the good. They see the way we try to live with open hands and hearts towards others. They way we encourage kindness – even though, Lord knows, we fumble here daily, too. The God who made and loves us is capable of redeeming the very things that we thought were imperfect and tarnished.

The piece of this picture that I often forget about is God’s grace for us, right in the middle of these incredibly challenging years of being young marrieds parenting young kids. I am currently reading the book “Hands Free Mama” by Rachel Macy Stafford, and it just so happened that tonight I opened it up to a chapter that speaks a lot about grace. I really loved what the author had to say about grace:

“I realized that the moments I raised my voice at my children had little to do with them and  a lot to do with me. I was more likely to become angry in moments when I felt like I was failing as a parent, either for a mistake I made on that particular day or had made in the past. When I began to pause and hold those angry words under my tongue for a moment, I was reminded about the power of grace. The One who loves me even when I fail miserably reminded me that even the best parents have their moments of self-doubt and frustration. In those moments of pause, I felt God’s loving presence assuring me that he loves me unconditionally. By accepting God’s grace, I was able to offer myself grace in times of anger and shame – and it tricked down to my children and impacted their lives in countless ways.”

-“Hands Free Mama” by Rachel Macy Stafford, page 177

God lavishes grace on us like nobody’s business. So I’m trying (painstakingly hard as it may be) to extend more of that abundant grace to others. To throw it around like confetti to anyone who needs it. To let it, like God’s love, wash over me. I’m trying to believe and live out the words He says about me. That I am loved, worthy, and free in Him, even when my day has gone badly. The hard work we are putting into raising children is having an eternal impact, even if I don’t always see or feel it. He will continue to help us, and guide us, if we invite him in. We’re doing better than we think we are. All of us. Be encouraged.

“God is within her, she will not fall. God will help her at the break of day” -Psalm 46:5

“But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9